May the Egg Be With You, Always

May The Egg Always be With You Always

By the time you read this it will be too late and the curse befallen you.  

An article in our local Stockton, Ca. newspaper, The Record, appeared in the October 9 issue concerning a medium-astrologer-“curandera”- diviner-Tarot Card reader named, Maria Murillo Beltran, or “Madam Maria” in LA who has recently experienced a rash of “spiritual cleansings” from customers who are hoping for some kind of  “spiritual intervention”  from the negative energies or forces should Donald Trump (God forbid), or “El Tromp” as they call him, (I call him “Trompas”- one with a trunk), be elected President. Nothing was said about Hillary, but I don’t see why these cleansings wouldn’t work for her, too (maybe on another side of town?) For thirty dollars a pop, she is alleviating their fears.

Using incense, herbs, oils, prayers and eggs these types of spiritualists have eased the fears of Mexicans for centuries, dating back to before the European conquest of the Americas in the 1500s. However, the thin line between a “Curandero” (one who cures), and a “brujo” (sorcerer) is blurred, and the two are often confused. That line is masterfully explored in Rudolfo Anaya’s novel, “Bless Me, Ultima”, where good and evil come toe-to-toe between the old woman, “Ultima,” (the ultimate one) and the brujo “Tenorio.” In the end, the reader is left to assume that although she “dabbles” in the black arts, she uses them for good, but at a price.

This stuff has always intrigued me, but with healthy trepidation. My Tia Juana, was in fact, a “sobadera” (masseuse), and more than once my mom forced me to see her for treatment against the dreaded “empachada”, or indigestion, after eating green, or unriped fruit, she claimed. I don’t know what was more awful, the indigestion, cramps or diarrhea I had, or her painful body massages! Other times, she would strap stinky, raw potatoes on my feet for who knows what reason.

 Sometime in the early 70s, I heard a commercial on a local radio station that went something like this: “Are you suffering from jealousy, failed romance, a husband who drinks or womanizes, or a problem with your job? Well then, call ‘La Curandera Rosa” and she will help you resolve your problem.” Another time, she announced that “Curandero Convention” was to be held in San Jose. I recall wondering what it would consist of, workshops and trading of latest supernatural concoctions?

The topic inspired lively discussions in my Chicano Literature classes and students were anxious to tell their own stories to about this ominous side of our culture. One story concerned a woman here in Stockton, who was experiencing severe pain each time she urinated. She was convinced that someone had put an evil spell on her, but doctor-after-doctor just snickered and told her that she was just being silly: “There is no such thing as an evil spell; go home and take an aspirin.” Finally, one doctor told her “Ma’m, you are absolutely correct. You are possessed by an evil spirit. I will give you some powerful medicine that will banish the spirit from you. He then scribbled something on a piece of paper. “Here, take this to a pharmacy and take the medicine as prescribed. In a few days, you will notice that the color of your urine will gradually turn yellow. When that happens, the spirit will be exorcised.” She followed his instructions and was cured!

Not long ago my wife and I had a “limpia” (cleansing) done. Since her medical problems have mounted, friends (in good faith) continue to suggest all kinds of remedies, teas, prayers, ointments, herbs which “my uncle used and was miraculously cured.” One friend recently suggested a limpia which “worked miracles” on her. The place was an unpretentious store front on West Lane. Although I was nervous, we were greeted by a kindly old man who quickly put our fears to rest. On the shelves was a vast array of potions, oils and powders, all boasting some kind of protection against physical and spiritual woes.

He took us into a darkened room and seated us. The room smelled of copal (incense) and on his table sat candles, an array of religious statues, some Catholic and others crude representations of “Aztec” dieties, I suppose. Overall, it was a pleasant experience as he prayed over us, beseeching health, good fortune, a   healing of body and spirit, and protection from negative forces . He ended by taking a glass of water, cracking an egg for each of us, and dropping it into the glass. “If the egg floats, that is a good sign; if it sinks to the bottom, that signifies bad luck.” Both of our eggs floated.

If you happen to read this before November 8, 2016, crack you egg quickly and drop it into a glass of water before it is too late! And after this tortuous election, may your egg forever float! 

PS: I must've sunk to the bottom because we got Senor Trump(ista) as President. Curses!!!

Elect Jose Hernandez For President!!

Wait a minute!! On second thought I take it back!! Being President would only cause more problems.

For starters, birthers would begin to say Jose "was not born in the U.S."

Then, ultra conservative talk show hosts would suggest that any attempt at immigration reform would benefit only his fellow Mexican constituents and those illegally in the country, that he would tear down the fences, replace immigration officers with travel agents, and offer a free Corona to all his compatriots, crossing the border.

Opponents of any type of Government Health Care Reform would quickly point out that since Hispanics are at bottom of economic ladder etc. they would be the ones who would most benefit from it and that President Hernandez' intent would be nothing less than a thinly masked retribution for perceived injustices against Mexicans in the "Mexican War" (1846-1848)", and for the U.S. "annexation" of half of Mexico's territory, including California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.

I mean, enough is enough. Us Americans are already the scapegoat for a host of perceived injustices against others!

Any mention of affirmative action would be a clear attempt to give under qualified Latinos an unfair advantage for jobs and promotions over us hard-working, patriotic white guys. Oh, you didn't know the Mexicans are "white?"

Oh yes, by the way, there is no "Mexican Race", as many people, including some Mexicans and prone to believe. We are officially classified as Caucasian. I feel better already.

Nah, maybe we can elect Jose, for Mayor, or something less threatening to others, but President? Forget it. Besides, us white guys are always color blind and you can always count on us!

I Have Been Awarded The Manly Guy Blogger Award!

Image by d_vdm via Flickr

I humbly accept this award from my manly Blogger buddy, Dad #167, (Please read his Blog) though I have worked so hard to keep my manliness in check. But sometimes it is not so easy to hide. It has been a bit like Clark Kent in the phone booth leaping out when least expected.

But my machismo, manhood and masulinity is so obvious in my posts and I feel I am truly deserving of this bestowal (I am not humble) Please read Dad #167's entry to view the demanding qualifications for this award. I mean nowhere on my blog will you find songs like "Somehwere My Love" instead you'll hear "Warm Beer and Cold Women" by Tom Waits or "El Rey" (The King) by Vicente Fernandez! "I my haven't a throne or a queen, but I am still The King!" He boasts.

My further qualifications are "urinary hesitancy" and "flatulence" and I learned the Mexican mantra fully: "Los Hombres No LLoran" [Men do not cry] (says nothing about whimpering).

Again, my profound thanks to Dad #167 for this prestigious bestowal and DavidC, the founder of the award! and I send them and all the other Manly Bloggers out there "Un Abrazo" (a hug) but watchout - don't squeeze too hard!!

A Shining Example Of An "A" Paper

     I know that many of you have struggled with English, grammar and the writing of essays for your English classes in High School or college.  And although the debate rages on over what exactly constitutes "good writing", for me it has never been a mystery.  Following is a perfect example of an "A" paper written by one of my students many years back in one of my Beginning English classes:

MY ENGLISH TEACHER

     Mr. Rick Rivers is my English teacher.  He teaches at San Joaquin Delta College and he knows English, French (This stuff about French was fabricated by the student but he got some "points" for it anyway!), and Spanish. He speaks and reads these languages well.

     He is not a young man, but he is not old.  He is a good looking man, tall, but not too tall, handsome with dark-brown hair just beginning to gray.  He is always well dressed but quietly, in good taste.  He usually wears suits of dark-brown, dark-blue, or dark-gray.

     He speaks quietly and pleasantly, but there is strength under his quietness and every student in class knows this.  He is quiet and pleasant because he is strong and as the poem says "Strength is generally quiet; weakness is not."

     He reads a great many books and corrects all his students homework.   He works very late, sometimes till two in the morning, but generally he goes to bed about twelve o'clock (This was a lie too, but it sure sounded good).  He is a very good teacher at San Joaquin Delta College.

Sengthay Thao

Chihuahuas and Chupacabras

"Princess", our female Chihuahua has obviously never seen herself in the mirror. She will snarl, growl and attack any dog no matter the size and she barks at every sound, especially at night. All I have to do is say "chew em' up!" and she begins growling.

Unlike most Mexicans, we keep our dog inside. On summer nights we keep our back screened security door open and every few moments she races to the door and snarls at some smell or sound. The other night in jest, my wife shouted "Chupacabra! Chupacabra, Princess get it!", and she raced off into the night to presum-

ably rip it to shreds. Now, we play around with her each night "Chupacabra!"and roll around laughing as she races outside. This morning I went out into the yard and found the small, black and bloodied carcass of Princess. Its insides had been suctioned out! Dios Mio!